the love blog

Im making the effort to move on

I think there will always be a part of me that'll be stuck on you. Every new guy that I start to like, for some reason, your face comes to mind. The saying "if you love someone let them go, if they come back theyre meant to be yours forever." I hope that's true in my case. I never went out with you, but for the longest time you were my best friend. People say that the best relationships come out of friendships, so why didnt we ever get beyond a friendship? We would've been great together. I just hope years from now, we don't run into each other and it'd be too late to be together. You were the only man so far that I couldve honestly pictured us together in the end. I know im still young, but do you know how hard it is for a girl to let her first love go? To just watch them leave like that? I really miss you so much. Why'd you have to move away? I loved you so much and I still do, but I'm gonna try to move on. I'm trying soo hard to move on. But for some reason, your face always pops up in my mind when I try to move forward with my life. I think no matter what, it'll always come back to you. I just wish you would've at least given me a chance. I know we would've been great together.

I must have hate written on my forehead.

I literally think there must be a sign I don't know about on my head that says "please hurt me, I won't do a thing, so go ahead make me fall head over heels for you then please break my heart." that's what happens to me every time I meet some one new. I dnt do anything yet I get broken down. Why can't the guys handle the pain for once? Trust me guys, you have no idea how hard it is being a single girl. I just wish for once that i wasn't the person to ge hurt. Why is it that everyone else but me gets their happy ending? I'm the akward one that never leaves the town they grew up in. I'm the creepy girl that stares everyone down. Im just tired of getting hurt.

Is it me?

Lately I've been working on self improvement, not just physically, but mentally, emotionally. Self improvement really gets you thinking let me tell ya. A thought that popped up in my mind as I had a thinking day was, "Why haven't I fallen in love yet?" I know, it's a little rediculous to think about, but a terminally single girl thinks about these things. So what I do when I ask myself these kind of questions, is I think of possibilities, reasons why these things haven't happened yet. One of the things that popped up was, " Am I the reason this hasn't happened?" As I'm writing this, I realize it's a little harsh, but I have nothing else to think about. As a terminal single girl, all I think about is love, that's what I think of all day. I never realized that the problem might be me.. Hence the self improvement plan.

I don't know what this is anymore.

This thing, this messed up thing that's going on between us. I don't know what this is anymore. I was mighty fine before you and your gorgeous self had to come along and mess everything up. Then things grew between us. I don't know if it was love, or if it was hate or if it was indifference. All I know is I get butterflies in my tummy right before we usually see each other. Every time I see you my heart stops for a few seconds. My heart tells me I should hate you and never even look at you again. My mind tells me that we should cut ties before anything else happens. So which one should I listen to? I don't know what to do anymore. Being with you is the most exhausting thing I've ever done. What should I do?

I can live without you.

I realized that I can go for days without just an ounce of your attention. I'm really to the point of giving up. That's how exhausting this thing is. I know I shouldn't want to give up all the time but that's how hard it is to always be the one fighting for succession. It gets so exhausting to always be the one that cares the most. I guess what they say is true. Whoever cares less ( or at least pretends to) holds the power of the relationship. I hate how that quote is true. I'm always the one that cares the most. But then again im always the one that gets hurt in the end. I'm always the one that goes home alone everyday to an empty apartment. I'm alway the one that is plan b. Well I don't want to be someones "plan b" I'm someones first choice. I'm not their backup plan. I am stronger than that (or at least I pretend to). Whatever. It's the same lost lonely heart that got broken into a million pieces. AGAIN.

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They were right...

Falling in love is just as crazy as all the stories say it is. There are the good parts of being in love. But then there are the bad parts of being in love. It's only good when both ends are equally happy. When both ends are equally satisfied, that means that they've been through the journey. Because when you start the journey of love, only one end is happy. The point of the journey is so that both sides are happy. That's why everyone wants to fall in love. So they can be happy. Most people who fall in love are depressed or overly hyped about things before they find that one they can't live without. The bad side of love... Well thats what happens during the journey. That's what the fighting and the one sided caring is. That's the bad thing about love. The waiting to see if the guy likes you as much as you like him. All the exhaustion all the waiting. I would reassure you and tell you that its worth it, but I really don't know what it feels like to be at the end of the journey. I'm like in the in between. Like when you drive some place and you decide to stop and take a break so you can keep driving more later. I'm like at the break point. I'm in the middle. I like to think that I've been at the end of the journey a couple of times but then again I wouldn't really know. But I do know that what all the stories and fairy tales say about love, it's true.

I want him but I can't touch

I want him like I want a cute pair of shoes. I want him like I want food. I need him like I need air. I need him like I need water. I need him like I need a house to sleep in. With him I feel like I'm in a tunnel and at the end of the tunnel is him waiting for me, but I can never reach the end of the tunnel. I only catch a glimpse of him at the beginning of the day. I only hear a second of his voice once every couple of weeks. He is the most beautiful man I have ever seen. I've never talked to him and nor has he talked to me. I like to think I can sense a persons soul from their eyes. When I make eye contact with him he has the cleanest soul ever. I've never talked to him, but I can sense something strong between us.

I'm thinking of you... Always

I always think of you. 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I think of you in the grocery store, I think of you in class, I think of you in my head. I think of you everywhere. Just once I would like to run into you outside of class, so you could see the raw unfiltered me. Gosh I can't stop thinking of you. I don't think I like you, even though I'm attracted to you. I haven't yet made up if my feelings towards you are positive or negative but I definitely have strong feelings towards you.

A case of the butterflies???

So there is this guy. He's quite older,but he's also sooooooooo so good looking. Everyday when I see him I get this feeling in the pit of my tummy. I don't know if it's just excitement or if it's butterflies. I've never had butterflies. Ive never got this excited over a guy.